Andrea's first college acceptance letter came through in the mail today (3/26/11)... it was from UC Berkeley. I made a show of giving it to her, only to have her tell me she knew two days ago. What the heck!
Unlike most traditional Vietnamese families, for whom the college application process constitutes decisions gravely discussed and carefully considered between parents and student, Andrea glided through it unobtrusively on her own, with me stranded on the sideline feeling left out. I would have to nosily inquire if I was to be privy to any bits of information, and even then she would divulge very little. All I knew... intuited, really... was that she wanted to spread her wings and escape from the confines of home. Being the typical provincial mom, I'd secretly hoped Andrea could be happy somewhere within the UC system to make things easier for everyone concerned. True to her thrifty nature, she had chosen to apply to only a handful of colleges in a considerate effort to contain costs, even after I'd repeatedly encouraged her to spread her bets liberally. What I couldn't understand was how University of Chicago ended up being among her few application picks. Even though UChicago enjoyed "a reputation of devotion to academic scholarship and intellectualism and is affiliated with scores of Rhodes Scholars and Nobel Prize laureates," according to Wikipedia, I found it hard to picture Andrea there. First of all, U of C is a private college. That goes directly against the cardinal rule of containing higher education costs, as our family had already learned from dear experience by allowing our eldest daughter, Audrey, to attend the college of her choice, FIDM (Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising). Secondly, it's located in, where else, Chicago... in my book a notorious city not exactly known for being hospitable! Again, I'd secretly hoped Andrea's application would be rejected, thereby saving me a debate on the merits of that option altogether. Problem is, the only other school on her short list that would allow Andrea to live away from home was UC Berkeley. I'm fine with Berkeley otherwise, but what if she came back a rabid liberal?
The other thing is, I shall miss her dearly wherever she ends up. Who would balance me once Andrea went away? She happens to be the only male influence in this household, with Kiet currently an unabashed momma's boy not ashamed of it. Despite our physical resemblance, Andrea and I are diametrically opposite in temperaments. She's placid; I'm excitable. She's typically laconic; I tend to explain myself, sometimes unnecessarily. She weighs her choices with quiet consideration; I can't wait to implement whatever it is that pops into my mind and makes enough of an impression. She spends the dollar carefully; I'm at best a reformed spendthrift. She constantly shutters herself behind the door of her bat cave; I'm a lark who needs to allow plenty of light and interaction into my surroundings. She expends her energy in short bursts of efficacy and lazes around the rest of the day; I labor over my efforts without relaxation. Besides, if Andrea goes away to college, who's going to remind me the rules of the road when I drive?
I'd made her apply to UCI even though she didn't like the school. She never told me why. Now that Berkeley has accepted her, I'd probably be resigned to sending my second daughter care packages comes fall.
It seemed like yesterday when I was feeling dead tired every waking moment, sleepwalking through my mommy duties while harboring uncharitable thoughts about how I couldn't get rid of my chidlren fast enough... then all of a sudden two of them became almost full-blown adults who couldn't wait to fly from home!
What I've learned is that even though the minutes in a bad day might crawl along at a snail's pace, the years of our lives would seemingly go by in a flash.
"Baby" and me
8 comments:
Huge congrats!! I'm sure you are so proud of her! If she goes to Berkeley, I can watch out for her on your behalf. Please tell Baby I said congrats too. She's no longer a baby anymore...
By the way, I love your writing...I find it heartwarming and very poetic.
Love,
Mimi
Thank you so much, Mimi! If she goes to Berkeley, I'd feel so much better knowing you're relatively close by and can step in my shoes in case of emergency. Baby will always be my nickname for her, no matter how old she is. Strangely, I can't help sometimes thinking of you as a little kid that stayed with us one summer a long time ago (I hope you don't mind).
Chi Tifo
Cô ơi! We don't know each other but I just read your post. I have to translate for a Vietnamese mother tomorrow about why her daughter should go to Berkeley while the mom wants her to go to UCI. The gal already sent her acceptance to UCB without her mom knowing. The mom just assumed that she'd go to UCI. Now it is supposedly a big mess. Do you have any advice for me on how to talk to this mother?
Without knowing the full circumstances, I’m afraid I might end up being presumptuous on many issues.
It seemed to me there’s a communication rift, or at least an undercurrent of contention, between Mother and Daughter, as indicated by your mention of the daughter's sending her acceptance letter to UCB without her mother’s knowledge. Has the daughter fully worked out the monetary aspects of her decision and how they would weigh on her parents’ finances in the next four years (or possibly more)? Is the mom’s insistence on UCI mainly based on her refusal to let her daughter out of the nest or due to her concern about not being able to afford higher college costs?
Most importantly, are they on good terms or is there already a battle of wills raging on about this issue that just came to a head?
Cám ơn cô đã trả lời câu hỏi của tôi. She's got a full-ride scholarship! The relationship is not particularly volatile. I just heard today that the deadline of intent is not until Monday. I spoke to the girl today. She actually has not submitted her intent yet but can not see herself going anywhere but Berkeley.
The mother has gone as far as to say that she would rather have her daughter not go to school at all and stay home than to let her go to Berkeley yet the mother knows that Berkeley is far superior than UCI. (No offense to UCI Anteaters.)
Part of it has to do with the fact that she is female and going away. My personal opinion is that times are different and we are in a different society where women are given the opportunity for education and female independence is no longer looked down upon.
I'll be meeting with this mother tomorrow. Who knows what she will say. I can understand that the mother is scared but it's not Sàigòn 1975 anymore. This is USA 2011. As we Viets say: Nhập gia tùy tục. Here in America, we adults work hard so that our children have opportunities that we never had. She can either go to UCB and become a shining star among the 45% Asians or go to UCI and get lost among the 99% Asians. (I exaggerate, of course.)
Thank you for the additional info. Now I feel a little more in the loop.
First of all, if the mom is as intransigent as you described, it’s important not to put her on the defensive or take a combative approach, which might backfire!
I would stress the daughter’s tremendous achievements and note that many Vietnamese parents, myself included, would jump for joy if their kids could attend college on full-ride scholarships. In fact, being a practical parent, and having paid for my eldest daughter’s private college tuition entirely out of pocket, I would even try to sway Andrea toward attending UCI, had she gotten herself a full scholarship there. :) But I wouldn’t force her to!
Since Andrea submitted her letter of intent for UCB, I’ve talked to a few people about her decision and what I've been able to gather was both reassuring and overwhelmingly positive.
A friend of mine who initially balked at her daughter's attending Berkeley (this girl was accepted at UCB, UC Santa Barbara, and UCI) for pretty much the same reasons as those cited by the mom in your post, finally relented. After following her daughter’s progress during her first two years at UCB, this mom had a complete attitude shift toward the school and her daughter’s hard-won independence. In fact, she shared with me that living on her own has made her daughter wiser, smarter, and more capable. The daughter has moved to a sorority house with her mother’s blessing, is double majoring, considering medical school, active in student government, and surpassing her parents’ expectations in all regards, with no negative impact from her living away from home. Mom is working hard to pay for her daughter’s college education and considers it a well-spent investment.
I also spoke to my cousin, who has two daughters, both currently attending Berkeley. He is enormously proud of them, and his praise for Berkeley centers on the benefit of his daughters’ associating with like-minded, high-caliber students, who inspire their peers to strive toward individual achievements in a stimulating and supportive environment.
These are anecdotal experiences, which might not be of much help, but I thought worth sharing nevertheless.
That said, if your powers of persuasion still couldn’t overcome the mom’s veto, I wouldn’t waste time feeling heartbroken over this impasse.
Not being able to attend the college of your choice is a major disappointment, but not a hardship! It’s hard for me to believe this girl wouldn’t rise to the top and shine at UCI, or wherever she might end up.
Good luck!
Cám ơn cô rất nhiều. I find you to be quite articulate and intelligent. Any child would be blessed to have you as their mother and any person would be lucky to have you as a spouse. My students (I teach Vietnamese and sometimes French and Math) often look up to me because I straddle both traditional and contemporary ideas...although because I am older, some of them still write me off as "an adult." Teens will be teens....
Anyway, thank you for your insight and sharing your experience with me. I have not "lập gia đình" yet so I don't have your type of experience. There is much wisdom in you that I hope your children recognize and respect.
Thank you for your encouraging words, the last sentence in particular was very much appreciated.
My parents were both teachers at one time in their lives, so I have a special affinity for the profession. It certainly seems to befit your personality, as far as I could tell. How did things go on Friday?
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